I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
sick fucks of a feather flock together
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
Randomize
