Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
Just cropdusted the office
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
Randomize
