Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
