he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
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