No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
So much rum. So many feels.
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
