I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
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