carls jr on main st. japanese tourist taking a dump in the urinal. reading a japanese newspaper and wearing a full suit.
be there in 3 mins
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
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