My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
I kind of learned that hotels are unnecessary. Boys will just take you home, but that's tough with a group. I believe in us, though.
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
Randomize
