had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
Randomize
