She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
the only thing coherent you said from what i saw of you is when you were throwing up, i asked if you were done and you just "uh huh you know what it is"
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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