just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
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