Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
don't judge my taste in strippers
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
Randomize
