plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
Randomize
