My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
I need to stop coming to work sober
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
Randomize
