I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
I was thinking that, but I'm not sure the proper etiquette on asking about someone's nipple rings. Even if you did see them and compliment them once.
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
Randomize
