Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Randomize
