remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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