We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
Randomize
