There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
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