how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
all i remember is that her bootyshorts said 'shameless' and that there was no turning back.
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
Randomize
