If that was your dad, he is hot
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
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