It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
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