So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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