So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
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