Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
Shame is for Republicans.
Randomize
