Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
I like your optimism Chelsea but I'm not about getting my salad tossed
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
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