is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
Are you around on Saturday? Feeling a trip over
Wet with either fear or sexual excitement
I think a mixture of both is appropriate
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
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