Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
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