i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
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