i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
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