neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
Worst PDA I've ever seen. She even licked the mustard off his mustach
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
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