I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
So much rum. So many feels.
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
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