Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
we're at Rob's house and just invented the best drinking game ever....we are on Chatroulette and everytime we see a dick we all have to drink.
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
Randomize
