i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
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