My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
How many stacks you been grindin gangsta?
omg mom no
It's so blood brotha crip what be good
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
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