covered in glitter, my cheek hurts, and theres a handprint on my face. Would i do it again. Absolutly
you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
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