well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
Taljing aboutpenisrs w gerruly ska pops
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
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