piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
im insabelyl wasted and diont know if ill yexyed tou. call me
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
