My place. Tomorrow Night. Bring your liver, and something for it to do.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
COCAINE IS GR8
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
Help. Why am I so naked?
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize