someone owes me an orgasm
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
Laurln. I am dying. I am npt alive. Adderrall is not a real thing. Death is a rwal thing which I understandably
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Last nights hook up turn into a star wars history lesson.. He's luck y he's pretty..
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
