He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
you didnt know i had herpes?
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
Randomize
