He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
