he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
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