he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
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