Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
If I don’t find a quality dick soon I’m going to beg the neighbor for another threesome with her and her husband. It’s like Covid killed all the quality penis Vegas normally has
Randomize
