I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
Don't judge me. He's really sexy for a 17 year old. We made nasty in the womens bathroom at the beach. Don't worry. I wore sandals in there.
None of that is ok.
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
She needs to go. She is like the Yoko Ono of our group.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
Randomize
