tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
