I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
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