Will you blow on my dice?
I never want to see another naked old woman again.
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
Dude it was awful. I woke up with more strippers in my dorm room than those duke lacrosse kids.
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
