My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
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