I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
This girl in my class is wearing a sweatshirt that says "LEAD ME NOT INTO TEMPTATION" ahaha I almost just laughed out loud. We could never be friends
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
so...he totally just used scissors to cut up the weed. a wet paper towel to moisten the blunt....and a blow dryer so it wouldn't be wet. this dude either has the worst case of OCD or has the potential to be the next martha stewart.
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
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