you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
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