pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
LETS GO REDSKINS!
Quit drinking and watching your DVR, it's wednesday.
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
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