I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
Randomize
