Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
She told me I should be a condom model.
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
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