just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
The best revenge is premature balding
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Randomize
