oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
Randomize
