I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
Can you send me the pictures of me riding the penis
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
Randomize
