I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
Nothing on google about my condom issue. However, if you get a chance google: condom with teeth.
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
Randomize
