My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
Randomize
