We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
Randomize