I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
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