How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
found inexpensive tickets to Norway. Questioning if its legal. PLEASE tell me you remebered the walkie talkies and face paint.
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
