My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
You pole danced in your parka.
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
Randomize
