the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
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