It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
Randomize
