Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
Randomize