I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
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