I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
i lose more brain cells when ever she opens her mouth then i would doing meth for 8 years of my life.
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
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