Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
i didnt like the question options for my yahoo account..so i made up the question and it was "favorite bathroom to shit in"
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
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