I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
Well I woke up naked, with a santa hat on, and a bag of beef jerky next to me. So yeah, I would say it was a pretty successful trolley
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
Randomize
