There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
These girls next to us are doing shots called bath salts. Sadly this is the classiest bar I've been to since i moved to PA
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
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