im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
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