he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
We banged in his car behind the burrito place. Google Maps keeps asking me to rate my visit. 5/5, would cum again.
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
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