i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
God, you're like boner-b-gone
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
I just watched how this is made for an hour because I was tooo high to remember what they were making. it was like a prize at the end.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
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