In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
hey can you send me that pic of that dude?...if this isn't Rochelle's phone...can you please find and tell Rochelle to send me that picture of that dude?
Randomize
