there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
Randomize
