I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
Randomize
