Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
Is it just me or does the sex still keep getting better? I wasn't crying, my eyes just watered from how hard I was cumming.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
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