Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
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